Today is a tough day. Everyone is so caught up in the craziness that happened in Connecticut. As a parent of elementary children, I feel so many of these emotions. And since I am also a homeschooling mom, I keep hearing comments from people, "Oh, you must feel so much safer because you homeschool."
Well, that is NOT why we homeschool. And I'm actually not ready to address any of the current events. They are very painful and my heart goes out to the families.
Today was a challenging day for us not only because we were so sad for the families who were enduring such a tragedy but because in our own little world, we were battling. My boys had their first wrestling tournament of the season today and it was on home turf. They both wrestled last night for a dual meet and did fairly well. But today we had to report at 8am. So I was 2 cups of coffee in and still running late when we finally made it to the tourney. Of course hubby was there at 7:30, good coach that he is, and wifey was trailing behind to feed hungry boys french toast sticks and sausage links. L1 had a bye and L2 won his match. A few more coffees later and yes, I did serve young children hot dogs at 9 AM (I pleaded with them to take a banana!) and we were ready for battle. L1 took a loss. It was tied and he fought...but lost. So we had to rush to throw on his shin guards and go to his soccer finals.
I wish I could tell you all that this has meant to him. This kid...started soccer at 4. We didn't know you had to try out for the travel team so we weren't there. He wasn't on the travel team in 3rd grade. The other kids picked on him in school. All he wanted to do was make that team. So he practiced and practiced and when try-outs came in June, he was ready. But he still wasn't good enough. And when I picked him up he said, I sucked. He asked to try out again. And I said, We'll just practice harder.
So we jumped the fence. We broke into the soccer field and we kicked those soccer balls for all we were worth! L2 played goalie and we kicked and we kicked. On Monday, he tried out again. That kid made the team. BUT, he made the younger team. So those kids who picked on him were on the older team and he was on the younger team. And he never started. But he never quit. And when he said, I'm not good enough. They don't play me. I said, make every second you play count. They will see.
That team made the finals. Against whom? You guessed it...the very team he didn't make. His peers. Those same boys who told him he wasn't good enough. And he played on the younger team. And as the oldest boy, he didn't even start. And he had to lose a wrestling match before those finals. So this 9 year old has to go onto a field playing for the younger team, against his peers and he has blood on his arm from where he just lost a wrestling match...but he went out there anyway...and he missed a goal and my heart sunk...I wanted to cry and scream...but that boy...he came in 2nd...he faced those boys. He went back to a wrestling tournament. He won the next match and the last one would determine his place. Trophy versus medal. He went out with a smile on his face. That match was gruesome. Last 15 seconds ref rewards a turn-over tying the match. L1 lost in overtime and tears streamed down his face. At that moment I felt the defeat of his day. He is 9 years old and I felt every bit of his defeat. He lost today.
How do I process this? There are mothers who are grieving because they have Christmas presents that their precious babies will not be able to open. My heart aches for every mother who lost their beautiful children. And at the same time, I have to celebrate my own precious soul...who never gives up no matter what. My own little hero. I know that in some people's eyes it is just sports. But it isn't just sports...it's life. It's the loss of a job or a loved one. It's the moment when you have been beaten but you refuse to admit defeat. It's the kid in all of us who says...we deserve more. We will fight for more. We will never surrender. We will never accept defeat. Thank you to our armed forces who never give up the fight. Thank you to the teachers who battle the odds every day. And thank you to the parents. We are parents. We are all cheering. We are all working hard every single day. There is a mom who is kissing her son tonight. Her son beat mine. She is kissing him in congratulations and I am kissing mine in consolation. It doesn't matter...because we are all moms. And there are mothers tonight who can't kiss their little ones. Dear ones...I am so sorry. So, so sorry!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Summer
The 1st time I saw you I was eating an egg mcmuffin. I was a terrible eater back then. It's amazing that I even stopped for a fast food breakfast. I was nervous about the 1st day of school. A new bunch of kindergartners. A new year. I had butterflies in my stomach. And halfway through my sandwich you show up a half hour early for school. Your "mom and dad" said you were so anxious so they had to bring you early.
And one day they said, "Do you know anyone who would take care of her if we couldn't" and I didn't hesitate to answer, "I will."
I was pregnant for my 1st child at the time. My husband was out of the state hunting elk. And when he came home I didn't know how to tell him. Should I just say, "Hey, by the way, I offered to adopt a 5 year old today."
And when I did tell him he said, "I think I need to get to know her first. Maybe we can take her on vacation."
And so it began. There is more that I could say. But quite frankly, I'm just not ready to tell the tales. So much of it is very painful for me. The last conversation we had when you were 6 before you were taken from me. The time I saw you at the mall when I didn't even know you were back. How hurt I was...the pain I endured as I watched you grow up. Today you said, "How do you remember that?"
Haha. How do I remember that? How do I remember the boy you were with at a concert? I remember because I care. I watch what you do. Everything you do. I love you. I worry about how you are dressing, what boy you are dating...I worry every day about you. I always have and I always will.
I am not your biological mother. I am not even your guardian. But to me, you are like my daughter. You are the daughter I was supposed to have. I will always love you. I will always watch out for you. You are incredibly special. My heart was broken when you didn't become my own. But you will always be a part of me. I really enjoyed tonight. I wanted to scoop you up and make your life all better. I want to make everything perfect for you. But I can't.
What I can do is make you a promise. (And I do not make promises lightly!) I promise you, my beautiful girl, that I will be here for you. I am not perfect. And I have made a ton of mistakes. But I will be here for you. No matter where you go. No matter what happens. I am here. And I will do whatever it takes to protect you. Love you always, sweet, sweet girl.
And one day they said, "Do you know anyone who would take care of her if we couldn't" and I didn't hesitate to answer, "I will."
I was pregnant for my 1st child at the time. My husband was out of the state hunting elk. And when he came home I didn't know how to tell him. Should I just say, "Hey, by the way, I offered to adopt a 5 year old today."
And when I did tell him he said, "I think I need to get to know her first. Maybe we can take her on vacation."
And so it began. There is more that I could say. But quite frankly, I'm just not ready to tell the tales. So much of it is very painful for me. The last conversation we had when you were 6 before you were taken from me. The time I saw you at the mall when I didn't even know you were back. How hurt I was...the pain I endured as I watched you grow up. Today you said, "How do you remember that?"
Haha. How do I remember that? How do I remember the boy you were with at a concert? I remember because I care. I watch what you do. Everything you do. I love you. I worry about how you are dressing, what boy you are dating...I worry every day about you. I always have and I always will.
I am not your biological mother. I am not even your guardian. But to me, you are like my daughter. You are the daughter I was supposed to have. I will always love you. I will always watch out for you. You are incredibly special. My heart was broken when you didn't become my own. But you will always be a part of me. I really enjoyed tonight. I wanted to scoop you up and make your life all better. I want to make everything perfect for you. But I can't.
What I can do is make you a promise. (And I do not make promises lightly!) I promise you, my beautiful girl, that I will be here for you. I am not perfect. And I have made a ton of mistakes. But I will be here for you. No matter where you go. No matter what happens. I am here. And I will do whatever it takes to protect you. Love you always, sweet, sweet girl.
Monday, July 30, 2012
I Need A Hero
"Where did you go?"
I say to my 9-year old.
He didn't actually go anywhere. He's laying in his bunk bed in his dinosaur pajamas. But it's been a long time since we've sat together at night.
Long ago....
Long ago we spent all of our time together. We would read together, dream together, play together. And then... he started to...grow up. He wanted to be with his friends. He made the travel soccer team. There wasn't any time anymore. Life is too busy with practices.
I can't complain. I remember summer days with friends. Climbing trees. Riding my skateboard. Running. Playing. I can remember my mom from those days but it's a little cloudy. Because I lost her when I was young, I try to capture every single memory that I can but I know that for the most part, I waved goodbye and was out the door as soon as it was daylight. And so does he. And he should. Just because I lost my mom, I can't make him try to hold on to memories "just in case." God forbid something happens to me. I plan on being here for the long haul. Someone needs to remind him to wash his hands before he eats and change his underwear.
"Where did you go?"
"I'm right here."
But you're not right here. You're growing up. Right before my very eyes. How do I do this? How do I let you go out and explore the world...how do I sit back and watch? I will give you all of the tools necessary to do it all...and then...
And then...I release, relent, recoil...I let go.
Many moms have come before me. They probably have words of wisdom. They haven't shared them so you're stuck with me and my emotions as I watch you grow. My prayer, dear one, is that you seek the One who actually knows. Seek ye first the kingdom of God. Trust me...it's the way to go.
Dear Logan,
I wish I could keep you little forever. I miss how we used to go on our adventures. But I like the man you are becoming. You are not perfect. Neither am I. Sometimes you see everything as black and white and the world just simply...isn't. You are so hard on yourself. I know what that is like. Let go. Be yourself. Trust God. Believe in yourself. You are so talented. So amazing. I love your spirit. Your vivaciousness. I'd never want to compete against you, that's for sure! And, yes, I miss the little you, but I look forward to who you are going to be. And I may spend a lifetime reminding you to put your knees down at the table and maybe you will never rise up and call me blessed...but I will never stop believing in you. You want to be in the Olympics? Ok. I bought my ticket for 2020. I'll watch you compete for the gold.That's what we do as moms. We pick up the Legos, we wash the socks, we try to disguise the vegetables and we pretend we care about Pokemon. We're the MOM's! We do the loving.
I don't have a daughter so I have no idea what you try and prepare them for. But I know that when I was a little girl...I dreamed of a hero. A knight in shining armor to come and rescue me.
Dear girls,
I'm very busy raising knights. Give me some time. They will get there.
I say to my 9-year old.
He didn't actually go anywhere. He's laying in his bunk bed in his dinosaur pajamas. But it's been a long time since we've sat together at night.
Long ago....
Long ago we spent all of our time together. We would read together, dream together, play together. And then... he started to...grow up. He wanted to be with his friends. He made the travel soccer team. There wasn't any time anymore. Life is too busy with practices.
I can't complain. I remember summer days with friends. Climbing trees. Riding my skateboard. Running. Playing. I can remember my mom from those days but it's a little cloudy. Because I lost her when I was young, I try to capture every single memory that I can but I know that for the most part, I waved goodbye and was out the door as soon as it was daylight. And so does he. And he should. Just because I lost my mom, I can't make him try to hold on to memories "just in case." God forbid something happens to me. I plan on being here for the long haul. Someone needs to remind him to wash his hands before he eats and change his underwear.
"Where did you go?"
"I'm right here."
But you're not right here. You're growing up. Right before my very eyes. How do I do this? How do I let you go out and explore the world...how do I sit back and watch? I will give you all of the tools necessary to do it all...and then...
And then...I release, relent, recoil...I let go.
Many moms have come before me. They probably have words of wisdom. They haven't shared them so you're stuck with me and my emotions as I watch you grow. My prayer, dear one, is that you seek the One who actually knows. Seek ye first the kingdom of God. Trust me...it's the way to go.
Dear Logan,
I wish I could keep you little forever. I miss how we used to go on our adventures. But I like the man you are becoming. You are not perfect. Neither am I. Sometimes you see everything as black and white and the world just simply...isn't. You are so hard on yourself. I know what that is like. Let go. Be yourself. Trust God. Believe in yourself. You are so talented. So amazing. I love your spirit. Your vivaciousness. I'd never want to compete against you, that's for sure! And, yes, I miss the little you, but I look forward to who you are going to be. And I may spend a lifetime reminding you to put your knees down at the table and maybe you will never rise up and call me blessed...but I will never stop believing in you. You want to be in the Olympics? Ok. I bought my ticket for 2020. I'll watch you compete for the gold.That's what we do as moms. We pick up the Legos, we wash the socks, we try to disguise the vegetables and we pretend we care about Pokemon. We're the MOM's! We do the loving.
I don't have a daughter so I have no idea what you try and prepare them for. But I know that when I was a little girl...I dreamed of a hero. A knight in shining armor to come and rescue me.
Dear girls,
I'm very busy raising knights. Give me some time. They will get there.
Friday, March 30, 2012
I'm Running With Scissors
No rules on your birthday.
That's the rule in this family. No rules means ice cream with sprinkles, staying up past bedtime watching Pokemon videos on the internet...un-click your seatbelt and look on the floor of the car because I think I lost something...code for...don't look in the yard because we don't want you to see the trampoline until we can get the video camera turned on...
Happy 7th Birthday to my youngest son! You are such a joy...such a goofball! If only you knew how hard I worked today to keep you from seeing the trampoline. I kept making up excuses for why we weren't going home, why you had no presents and no cake...trying to buy time until it was put up. And you were so GOOD about it although I'm sure you were confused.
"Mommy, I wish I could have just 1 present on my birthday."
"I just want to go home and play."
"I hope I get to open something."
Dearest Son,
You make me laugh! and laugh! and laugh! Little class clown...what are we going to do with you? So independent, so determined, such an individual. Just remember, you don't have to be anyone but yourself. You don't have to TRY to stand out...you are already YOU. You are smart and funny and adorable. And mischievous and messy and curious and athletic (not very competitive....I don't understand that one) but creative. You take everything apart, always want to know WHY, question everything...you will always be my baby. I never want to let you go even though I know that I'll have to someday. For now, I'm going to enjoy every moment with you. The moments when you run around in your underwear telling potty jokes, asking me why you need manners "They just don't make any sense.", crying because you don't want to be IT, and hugging me at night telling me I'm beautiful "It's always the right thing to say, right, Mom?"
I don't always know what's inside your little head but I will always love you...every sweet, amazing little rascally part of you.
Good night sweet 7 year old...I will always cherish the moments we've shared together and I can't wait to watch you grow into the man God created you to be.
Love,
Mommy
That's the rule in this family. No rules means ice cream with sprinkles, staying up past bedtime watching Pokemon videos on the internet...un-click your seatbelt and look on the floor of the car because I think I lost something...code for...don't look in the yard because we don't want you to see the trampoline until we can get the video camera turned on...
Happy 7th Birthday to my youngest son! You are such a joy...such a goofball! If only you knew how hard I worked today to keep you from seeing the trampoline. I kept making up excuses for why we weren't going home, why you had no presents and no cake...trying to buy time until it was put up. And you were so GOOD about it although I'm sure you were confused.
"Mommy, I wish I could have just 1 present on my birthday."
"I just want to go home and play."
"I hope I get to open something."
Dearest Son,
You make me laugh! and laugh! and laugh! Little class clown...what are we going to do with you? So independent, so determined, such an individual. Just remember, you don't have to be anyone but yourself. You don't have to TRY to stand out...you are already YOU. You are smart and funny and adorable. And mischievous and messy and curious and athletic (not very competitive....I don't understand that one) but creative. You take everything apart, always want to know WHY, question everything...you will always be my baby. I never want to let you go even though I know that I'll have to someday. For now, I'm going to enjoy every moment with you. The moments when you run around in your underwear telling potty jokes, asking me why you need manners "They just don't make any sense.", crying because you don't want to be IT, and hugging me at night telling me I'm beautiful "It's always the right thing to say, right, Mom?"
I don't always know what's inside your little head but I will always love you...every sweet, amazing little rascally part of you.
Good night sweet 7 year old...I will always cherish the moments we've shared together and I can't wait to watch you grow into the man God created you to be.
Love,
Mommy
Friday, January 13, 2012
I'm Drawing A Complete... Blank
It's after midnight. My oldest child wants brownies as his birthday treat for school. I had rice krispie treats. Why couldn't he have told me this earlier?
I am out of eggs.
He is in my room, in his pj's. He had a bad dream. I need my Momma, he says.
Boy, I understand that one.
I look at your beautiful freckles, your long eyelashes, your little lips and the way that you breathe when you sleep. I remember the day you were born. And now you're turning 9 and you act like you don't need me. You don't want me to pick you up from school...hold the umbrella over your head when it's raining...make sure you remembered to wear your hat. I'm just the "mom". I'm not cool like your friends. I "just don't know what it's like".
Dear Son,
You are Amazing. I didn't understand what love was until you came along. Your very essence is what I long for. With you I feel every emotion. I am in love with you, I am afraid for you, I dream every dream with you, I comfort you in your nightmares, I rejoice with you in every victory, I fight every battle for you...or at least I wish I could. I would take on every demon, beat down every bully...make every day your golden ticket, give you the key to the wardrobe...be cheering you on when you pulled the sword from the stone.
You Are My Hero!
Conquer the world, my dear child.
Checkmate!
Love,
Mommy
I am out of eggs.
He is in my room, in his pj's. He had a bad dream. I need my Momma, he says.
Boy, I understand that one.
I look at your beautiful freckles, your long eyelashes, your little lips and the way that you breathe when you sleep. I remember the day you were born. And now you're turning 9 and you act like you don't need me. You don't want me to pick you up from school...hold the umbrella over your head when it's raining...make sure you remembered to wear your hat. I'm just the "mom". I'm not cool like your friends. I "just don't know what it's like".
Dear Son,
You are Amazing. I didn't understand what love was until you came along. Your very essence is what I long for. With you I feel every emotion. I am in love with you, I am afraid for you, I dream every dream with you, I comfort you in your nightmares, I rejoice with you in every victory, I fight every battle for you...or at least I wish I could. I would take on every demon, beat down every bully...make every day your golden ticket, give you the key to the wardrobe...be cheering you on when you pulled the sword from the stone.
You Are My Hero!
Conquer the world, my dear child.
Checkmate!
Love,
Mommy
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