So...it's 4:53 AM and I haven't slept a wink. My husband thinks I stayed awake so I could prank him for April Fool's Day (because I told him I was going to). The problem is that I actually COULD NOT sleep ALL NIGHT (the caps is for when I am yelling!) I went to the guest room to wait out the insomnia. It started with some chips and dip in bed. (He hates chips in bed but this is the the guest room bed, so party on, Garth!) Then the hours ticked and I pulled the prank (not even a good one, so I won't even mention it...unless it works.) Then I turned off electronics and thought I actually COULD sleep. That is hilarious because all I did was write up a skit for how I can sell my house on HGTV. (And it just might work!) Then, I decided to watch a stupid movie on Netflix. I had my laptop so let's just see what the mighty database that is the Netflix god decided was recommended for me. One of the suggestions was "What to Expect When You're Expecting". A movie I have never seen because I can't stand J.Lo. Yes, it's true. Everything about her is the epitome of what I can't stand about women. Won't watch her. Won't listen to her. Won't anything her. Unless her movie puts me to sleep. NOW we're talking! So, I start the flick and settle down on the incredibly UNCOMFORTABLE guest bed (no wonder we never have guests) and a quarter of the way through the movie shuts off. Then I remember that our internet always shuts off on Tuesday mornings. Don't ask because I don't know. But it's a phenomenon we deal with. Every Tuesday my husband goes down to get coffee, let the dog out and re-set the internet. In the case of an emergency (like this early morning) he has the directions for how to re-set the internet printed in the basement next to the massive amounts of wires that are in the basement.
What to do? The movie is lame, I am tired but unable to sleep...I go to the basement. This requires me to put on shoes because the basement is not carpeted. I trudge to the basement at 3:30 AM and read the instructions. I unplug and replug...nothing happens. I try THREE more times. I think that maybe I can try to sleep again. Back upstairs except this time the cat follows me. (Another rule of the bedroom=no cat. But this is the guest room so, yes, cat.) Now she is bugging me trying to snuggle and I still can't sleep. I think, hey, I can re-set the internet. I am a college graduate in grad school (or so I pretend). I can figure out how to re-set this (insert swear word) internet.
Finally, the little light turned green and I headed back upstairs to finish this insane movie with the cat on my lap and knowing that I was not going to sleep at all. But I have to say this...if you have ever seen that movie (and this is by no means a recommendation because I am writing this without even finishing it)...it reminded me of so many moments. We have been without joy in our household. There have been so many events that have taken place in the last few months that our family has lost its joy. My youngest son had his 9th birthday and we couldn't even muster up breakfast in bed. We did it a day late, sang, closed the door. No one around here smiles anymore. We are all struggling and every time someone asks what's wrong, the other person just nods and we're all like, "Oh, yeah, life." But the movie reminded me of a time many years ago. There is a scene where the young girl wakes up and is bleeding and she loses her baby. I remembered the night I woke up bleeding. That was the night we called the ER. They told us to wait for the doctor at 8AM. Of course we couldn't sleep so we laid on the couch and watched "Bridget Jones Diary". I think that was before TIVO and it was on TV. Anyway, all we could think about was daylight. Getting to the doctor so we could find out if there was heartbeat. (There was!) That little guy gave us so much heartache later when he almost came at 27 weeks! I remember that weekend when the pain was so bad. I sat in the passenger seat of the truck and we were traveling out of town and I was crying and I thought I just wasn't being strong enough. I had no idea I was in labor (I had called the gyne but she said I was being a baby and not handling the pain). So I sat in the truck and cried. I was in labor all weekend and had no idea. Monday morning I was doing kindergarten morning meeting when I bent over in pain and sent a student to the office to tell them I needed help. (I really was in labor and I'm not quite sure I have forgiven that doctor. Everyone makes mistakes but she almost cost me my firstborn. Just saying.)
Okay, so, it's now 5: 19 AM and I did reset the internet by myself. I haven't finished the movie and I have written this incredibly sappy and maybe incomprehensible blog. But I do remember those nights when you are up ALL NIGHT LONG because you are scared to death. Maybe something so BIG is on your mind. Like moving across the country, being jobless, losing a loved one... those are just mine. I know there are others: cancer, a sick child, a loved one in the military, divorce...
There is not a lot of joy in this household right now, but there has been a lot of joy in this family. The day we heard that heartbeat. The day we heard it again and found out he was okay. The day he finally came. The day we heard that second heartbeat. We are broken-hearted to lose our loved one, to lose our home, to lose our income and to wonder who our friends really are. Those are difficult times. These aren't the happiest days of our lives. And to the person who buys my house, I have no idea WHAT I was thinking when I painted this guest room. Seriously, ugliest color of green ever!
Since I am obviously not going to sleep tonight (current time: 5:28) and within the next 2 hours the rest of the family will wake up and hopefully trip over all of the packing tape I have carefully placed at the bottom of each of the doorways...I can still say...Happy April Fool's Day! Find a way to laugh. Despite any pain, I do believe God gives joy. We will find our laughter again.
Joy and Pain. Pump, pump it up. (What can I say...always a '90's girl)
