Memories, all alone in the moonlight.

As I lay me down to sleep...I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

This week of tragedy has only just begun and still I am amazed that it happened. I wake in the middle of the night thinking that I have just had a nightmare and then realize that all of it is real.

I lost my mother 15 years ago and the memories of the phone calls still haunt me. Trying to save a loved one's life and being unsuccessful is even more devastating. There are still blood stains on my carpet. Of my school room. I stand there in the middle of the room and I see our life. Our world map with our post-its. How many times have I said, "Go find _____ on the map." I say that because my own schooling of geography was terrible so I try to make sure they know where Europe is located. Our Thankful Tree hangs there with all of the leaves marking the moments of our life we are thankful for. There are markers and crayons and scissors and tape and books and stickers and spelling words. That room symbolizes life. It asks questions we want answers to.

We want answers. And Google can't answer them. We want to know why this had to happen. Why a life was lost.

When you look at pictures (so many pictures) of vacations and birthdays and holidays...there is so much LIFE. Performing CPR and praying for life...just a few more minutes of life...

I remember the hard days. When the boys were little and I was so tired. They wouldn't sleep and the house was a mess. I would write, "Enjoy every moment" everywhere because I wasn't enjoying ANY of them and I knew it was supposed to be this "great" time and I hated it! I was sick of spit up and diapers. Everyone would say, "It goes so fast." But it wasn't going fast and I didn't understand. Now I do. It doesn't go quickly, those early days. And then all of a sudden, it flies by.

Then you are in the living room teaching your son how to dance. You show him the steps...you tell him how to lead a girl...the music is playing and you are laughing. Those are the moments. Those are the photographs. 

I would do anything to erase the memory of my father-in-law's death from my and my husband's memory. I never, ever imagined we would be in that moment. We were just kids when we met. At 18 years old we only cared about how we could sneak around to make out. We never thought about paying bills and raising children. We never imagined that we could fall out of love. We thought our family would be there for us no matter what. But life happens and we can't predict how it will unfold. It brings joy and it brings pain.

The pain can seem unbearable at times but the joy...well, the joy...makes your heart skip a beat. It's the tinsel on the tree, the whipped cream on the hot chocolate, the best parking space and the time you get a warning instead of a ticket. It's singing in the shower, a great sale with a coupon, your Christmas bonus and getting to go directly to Go to collect $200. The laughter of your children, tucking them into bed at night, hearing them read for the first time and dancing around the living room. Life is for the living. It is meant to be lived and to be lived to the fullest.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
But if I should live to see tomorrow
 I pray the Lord take away my sorrow.
Ease my pain
 open my eyes to see,
what I need to gain
is more of others
and less of me.

Hold My Hand

Boys are unique creatures. I know because I created 2 of them and have been learning about their particular species for the last 10 years.

Last weekend my oldest had the BIG TALK. We went through all of the typical parenting concerns about the issue. We wanted him to hear it from us first. My biggest issue was that he would understand that women were not to be demoralized under any circumstance. He and I were out to lunch (a perk of homeschooling) and were playing a word game. The word "sex" came up and I asked if he knew what it meant. He said, "I'm not a child. I've heard that before."

"Okay. So what DO you know."

"There are different genders, Mom."

Right. But there is more to it. So I start to tell him and he stops short.

"Can I just have this conversation with Dad?"

Yes. Thank God, you can. I didn't want to have it anyway. So I took the youngest away for the weekend and told my husband his job was to make sure the oldest got to football on time, showered and learned about sex. I would be home on Sunday.

From what I heard, the conversation went well and he learned something (my son, hopefully not my husband).

But from the mother's perspective, I was nervous. What did this mean? My little guy, my buddy...the one who still can't match socks...would he still want me to lay down with him and tell him stories at night? Was he going to stop asking me to cut off his crusts? At the poker table I will take anyone down but when it comes to my boys, I am a complete sap. They own me. It's true.

I played it cool and didn't say a word. Neither did he. We went through our normal routines...football practice, soccer practice, cross-country practice, church, school. After running 4 miles in the rain (him, not me. I sat in the car reading a magazine) we went home. Little guy was at soccer practice. He took a shower and was going to watch TV. I was so happy to have some alone time. I lit candles and put on a chick flick. I was in my room in my flannel pj's enjoying life when I hear him ask if I could please watch TV with him.

"In a minute!" (It was Ashton Kutcher and I had cucumbers and blue cheese. I wasn't going ANYWHERE!)

But then my mommy conscience started and I paused the movie, grabbed my pillow and headed downstairs. There he was in his pajamas, wet hair and sports blanket watching the Disney Channel. I crept under the blanket and was basking in the memories of this little boy with all of his little boy goodness and thanking God that I hadn't lost all of it yet.

Then it happened. He reached over and grabbed my hand. He held it in his and I felt like he was transferring something to me. (This is the moment where you would say, Awwww.....) but before you do that, let me warn you...I started to get a warm and fuzzy feeling right before I looked down and said,

"Is that a toenail?"

And he cracked up laughing!!!

"It was so big and disgusting. I just had to share."

There were a million thoughts going through my head. But my reaction was a kiss to his forehead and the response,

"That IS disgusting. And hilarious. It's disgustarious."

Thank God for little boys. I treasure every disgusting and hilarious moment.

Class President

I have a green chaise lounge that I love. LOVE. It sits in my nook with 7 windows. When I'm there I pretend that I am Rapunzel and am locked away in my castle. I was sitting there just now. My youngest son and I just did his school work. He is homeschooled and we were running a little behind today. His friends come home at 4:00 from public school and he likes to be ready to play with them. We are always done with our school work by then but today we were not so he brought his books to me and dropped them on the chair and begged to finish. When we were done and he ran outside, I paused to look around me.

There were his books at my feet. English 2. History 2. Journal.

And I am wearing this ridiculous lime green shirt because my oldest son decided it was "wear your school colors" day for our homeschool and he also declared the colors were lime green and navy blue. Since I have a speck of fashion sense, I don't actually own anything lime green because I don't currently need to stop traffic to pick up trash. I had to go to the store this morning to buy a lime green shirt.

So I sit here in my lime green shirt and I think, wow, do I have a great life. I am so blessed. I don't realize it very often. Usually I think that I need more and that I am longing for something that I don't have. However, there are moments (like just now) when I fully appreciate my blessings.

I have so much to be thankful for. My house is a mess. I didn't make dinner tonight. I have no make-up on. There are bills to pay and grass to mow. But I have amazing children who make me so happy. They drive me crazy most of the time but boy, do they make me laugh! I have friends that I can text and say, "I have a funny story to tell you" and they call me right away and we laugh.

Laughter. I could not live without laughter.

Once, a long time ago, someone hurtful said to me, "Do you think everything is a joke?"

He was being especially cruel at the time but I've thought about that moment often and I've wanted to go back and say, "Yes. Yes, I do. Because if I can laugh and have fun and smile despite all of the bad that life throws at me, then I think that is pretty awesome. If I can take a bad situation and still find something to smile about...if there is joy to be found in misery...then yes, I choose the joy. I choose the laughter."

My sons were running for class president last week. The youngest said that if he were elected he would fight for better school lunches.

I could have gotten upset that my pb&j just wasn't good enough. Instead, I just laughed.
And I voted for him.