As I lay me down to sleep...I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
This week of tragedy has only just begun and still I am amazed that it happened. I wake in the middle of the night thinking that I have just had a nightmare and then realize that all of it is real.
I lost my mother 15 years ago and the memories of the phone calls still haunt me. Trying to save a loved one's life and being unsuccessful is even more devastating. There are still blood stains on my carpet. Of my school room. I stand there in the middle of the room and I see our life. Our world map with our post-its. How many times have I said, "Go find _____ on the map." I say that because my own schooling of geography was terrible so I try to make sure they know where Europe is located. Our Thankful Tree hangs there with all of the leaves marking the moments of our life we are thankful for. There are markers and crayons and scissors and tape and books and stickers and spelling words. That room symbolizes life. It asks questions we want answers to.
We want answers. And Google can't answer them. We want to know why this had to happen. Why a life was lost.
When you look at pictures (so many pictures) of vacations and birthdays and holidays...there is so much LIFE. Performing CPR and praying for life...just a few more minutes of life...
I remember the hard days. When the boys were little and I was so tired. They wouldn't sleep and the house was a mess. I would write, "Enjoy every moment" everywhere because I wasn't enjoying ANY of them and I knew it was supposed to be this "great" time and I hated it! I was sick of spit up and diapers. Everyone would say, "It goes so fast." But it wasn't going fast and I didn't understand. Now I do. It doesn't go quickly, those early days. And then all of a sudden, it flies by.
Then you are in the living room teaching your son how to dance. You show him the steps...you tell him how to lead a girl...the music is playing and you are laughing. Those are the moments. Those are the photographs.
I would do anything to erase the memory of my father-in-law's death from my and my husband's memory. I never, ever imagined we would be in that moment. We were just kids when we met. At 18 years old we only cared about how we could sneak around to make out. We never thought about paying bills and raising children. We never imagined that we could fall out of love. We thought our family would be there for us no matter what. But life happens and we can't predict how it will unfold. It brings joy and it brings pain.
The pain can seem unbearable at times but the joy...well, the joy...makes your heart skip a beat. It's the tinsel on the tree, the whipped cream on the hot chocolate, the best parking space and the time you get a warning instead of a ticket. It's singing in the shower, a great sale with a coupon, your Christmas bonus and getting to go directly to Go to collect $200. The laughter of your children, tucking them into bed at night, hearing them read for the first time and dancing around the living room. Life is for the living. It is meant to be lived and to be lived to the fullest.
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
But if I should live to see tomorrow
I pray the Lord take away my sorrow.
Ease my pain
open my eyes to see,
what I need to gain
is more of others
and less of me.
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