I Need A Hero

"Where did you go?"
I say to my 9-year old.
He didn't actually go anywhere. He's laying in his bunk bed in his dinosaur pajamas. But it's been a long time since we've sat together at night.

Long ago....

Long ago we spent all of our time together. We would read together, dream together, play together. And then... he started to...grow up. He wanted to be with his friends. He made the travel soccer team. There wasn't any time anymore. Life is too busy with practices.

I can't complain. I remember summer days with friends. Climbing trees. Riding my skateboard. Running. Playing. I can remember my mom from those days but it's a little cloudy. Because I lost her when I was young, I try to capture every single memory that I can but I know that for the most part, I waved goodbye and was out the door as soon as it was daylight. And so does he. And he should. Just because I lost my mom, I can't make him try to hold on to memories "just in case." God forbid something happens to me. I plan on being here for the long haul. Someone needs to remind him to wash his hands before he eats and change his underwear.

"Where did you go?"
"I'm right here."

But you're not right here. You're growing up. Right before my very eyes. How do I do this? How do I let you go out and explore the world...how do I sit back and watch? I will give you all of the tools necessary to do it all...and then...

And then...I release, relent, recoil...I let go.

Many moms have come before me. They probably have words of wisdom. They haven't shared them so you're stuck with me and my emotions as I watch you grow. My prayer, dear one, is that you seek the One who actually knows. Seek ye first the kingdom of God. Trust me...it's the way to go.

Dear Logan,
I wish I could keep you little forever. I miss how we used to go on our adventures. But I like the man you are becoming. You are not perfect. Neither am I. Sometimes you see everything as black and white and the world just simply...isn't. You are so hard on yourself. I know what that is like. Let go. Be yourself. Trust God. Believe in yourself. You are so talented. So amazing. I love your spirit. Your vivaciousness. I'd never want to compete against you, that's for sure! And, yes, I miss the little you, but I look forward to who you are going to be. And I may spend a lifetime reminding you to put your knees down at the table and maybe you will never rise up and call me blessed...but I will never stop believing in you. You want to be in the Olympics? Ok. I bought my ticket for 2020. I'll watch you compete for the gold.That's what we do as moms. We pick up the Legos, we wash the socks, we try to disguise the vegetables and we pretend we care about Pokemon. We're the MOM's! We do the loving.

I don't have a daughter so I have no idea what you try and prepare them for. But I know that when I was a little girl...I dreamed of a hero. A knight in shining armor to come and rescue me.

Dear girls,
I'm very busy raising knights. Give me some time. They will get there.