I want to set the record straight. The people who need to read this have been deleted from my facebook, but I am setting the record straight anyway. Just for S&G.
We have started attending a new parenting class for tweens and I have learned a lot. Last week I asked a question. A parent had shared that she had told her teen to pack a sweatshirt for the evening because it was supposed to get cold but her daughter refused to listen to her. Everyone shared about how teens/tweens don't listen to their parents, etc. I asked a valid question. I said, if my tween refused to pack a sweatshirt, I would put one in their backpack anyway knowing it was going to get cold, Is that wrong? I was answered with a resounding, "yes." They need to feel the consequences. They need to be independent. You can't always be there to pack a sweatshirt when they might get cold or a sandwich when they might get hungry. I humbly said, "Remind me of that next week,"
But I have given it some thought. I know I am a helicopter parent, but I also know why. I am 39 years old. My mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor at 36 and died at 42. Given those odds, I have a few more years. I do pack the extra sweat shirt. I even use his favorite detergent because he hates certain smells. And you can condemn me all you want, but the truth is, I have NO IDEA how much time I have left with these precious babies. So if I am not teaching them independence and self-reliance, let me tell what how quickly you have to learn independence when your mother dies at 42.
Yes, I match his socks and cut off his crusts.You can judge me all you want but if I only have a few more years of doing that, then I am. A lady actually said, "Well, he won't be married long if you act like that." And I wanted to say, "What if I don't get to see him get married?"
We "helicopter parent" because we know the risks. I rode my bike without a helmet. I don't think my mother loved me any less. I also rode my skate board down the "big hill" (Sally Thomas and Tiffany Teagarden know what I am talking about). My mother still loved me. I took risks. So, I get scared to death when they take risks. It's because I know more then they do. My mother just had this faith that I was going to live through it. And I did. I lived through riding my skateboard. I lived climbing the highest trees. But she didn't. So I "over" parent. Because I want to be around to see them graduate college.
Last year there was an incident. My boy who loves to run had practiced very hard for a race. Right before that (that very morning) he had won a quiz and was not acknowledged for that accomplishment right before the race. I was a coach. He looked at me teary-eyed and said, "Why didn't they call my name?" Then it was time for his race. He had practiced and practiced because he wanted to beat the high score. It was called a false start and he was disqualified. This kid who had been to Nationals was disqualified before he even ran. I saw the look in his eyes and I said, "What do you want to do?" He said, "I want to leave."
So I did. I lost my position as coach and teacher. But I won as parent. In the car he cried. He said he'd never race again and he never has. I have tried to encourage him but he was broken hearted. I deleted the people who did this so they will probably never know....but that was my moment. I gave up what I knew what was right to show him that I was always on his side. It doesn't matter where you are from. The big hill is the big hill. When you crash at the bottom, your mama is always there. It doesn't matter WHERE you live. I hope someday he runs again. And to the adults who weren't there for him...don't worry, I was. I miss my mother every single day. EVERY SINGLE DAY. There is no one there who tells me I am worth it. There is no one there to walk out because I am hurting. There is no one to take my side even when I am wrong.
So, yes, I over-parent. Because I AM the parent. Not the boss, or the teacher, or the wife...I am the parent. I will always take his side. That is my job. And for however long God grants me this job, I will do it. He isn't perfect. Neither are you. But I bet your mother thinks you are.
I'm not sure it matters at this point, but he was disqualified for jumping over a pin instead of going around it, not for a false start. He made a mistake as we all do. People in the crowd called out that it was okay and his other coach talked to him and told him it was okay. His name wasn't announced for awards because the missionaries only announce those kids receiving an Excellence(2nd book) or Timothy(4th book) awards. Third book award achievers are only announced if their church moves the 6th graders into Trek and then those kids wouldn't be at a T&T games the next year when they would earn their Timothy. They didn't announce any quiz winners at the games, but it was announced in front of the congregation the next day where they applauded his winning and awesome perfect score. It may have been a good idea to talk to the adults who "didn't care or weren't there for him" to be sure you understood the situation instead of making assumptions. You are a good Mom and you love your boys fiercely. Just remember that other people also love them. God bless.
ReplyDeleteI know he was disqualified for jumping over a pin. I changed the wording because I was trying not to make the situation obvious. I figured if I wrote jumping over a pin everyone would know it was about Awana and I was trying NOT to do that. I did write that " I gave up what I knew was right to show him that I was always on his side." There may be adults who loved my boys,but they didn't show it. He had been hurting for months over the loss of his grandfather and had reached to leaders only to be told that he was being immature. It was a very difficult situation. Our family had been hurting for months. We still are. There is no Awana here and he is very sad that he will never receive his citation. I understand what you are saying, but it's hard to put into words the look I saw in his eyes. It was a moment that I made a decision, yes, based on emotions, but I am not sad that I did it. Sometimes when we are hurting, we just need to know someone is on our side. I hope that was the point that I made to him. I am not really concerned about what others think about my actions.
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