Your neurosis I find endearing

I want to write what I'm really thinking but, alas, how many people would I offend were I to do such a thing. And really, I don't want to offend anyone. I just want to shout and complain about all that I disagree with and I want the universe to agree with ME and declare that I am right. Truly, I want to be Queen.

When I get nervous I get a little OCD. Okay, a lot OCD. I am by nature incredibly messy. I'm the worst housekeeper ever. The laundry and the dishes are never done. But when I am nervous, I clean and I organize and I sort and I label and I color code. It's my defense mechanism.

I had a meltdown tonight and I'm not sharing it (see paragraph 1) but I was thinking that I felt rather badly for my children that they had such a mother who is so psychotic. Then I realized that everyone has issues with their parents in some way or another. It either leads to interesting holiday get-togethers or pays for a nice Beamer for their therapist. Either way, my kids aren't the only ones.

At this point, if you are reading this, you must be wondering what set me off. Well, it was "Meet the teacher night" at the local elementary school and I went prepared. I took the letter from the 1st grade teacher and went home to highlight the important parts and then attach it in the 3-ring binder I have for all school paperwork. Except that I found 3 spelling/grammatical errors! THREE! And this is the person I am putting in charge of my baby!

Okay, I am letting too much of what I said in paragraph 1 seep out instead of trying to keep it to myself. The point of this story is not what upset me but what my children did. I was clearly upset, crying to my husband that it was a mistake not to homeschool this year. We talked on the porch swing. I calmed down a little and when I went inside my children (who had no idea WHY I was upset but could tell that something was bothering me) suggested that we go outside and read another chapter of Moby Dick. We sat on the swing and we read and we read and we were on the high seas and we were scared of Captain Ahab and we were about to go whale hunting... and I realized that even though I wrote my child's name on every single one of his pencils and I drove back to the school b/c I hadn't gotten a pic of L2 sitting at his desk and, and, and... my children are amazing. They forgive me for the color coding and the charts and they are still willing to sit with me and travel to foreign lands and times and make believe... and I am so blessed.

I taught my children how to think outside of the box. And sometimes I worry that I spent so much time teaching them that concept that I forgot to teach them HOW to color in the lines and that sometimes you just don't have a choice. The world requires that you follow certain rules. Thank God my children have been exposed to classical literature and creative thinking. And hopefully one day when they are sitting across from their therapist they can say, "My mom wasn't perfect but as long as you stuck a copy of H.H. Munro in her hands, she would calm down."

I am thankful. Thankful that God knows me and loves me, provided a husband and children who know me and still love me...and made me unique...and well, proud to be so! Someone once said to me, "Your neurosis I find endearing." I never quite knew what he meant. I was going for "You are the hottest thing on 2 legs and I want you to have my children" but I was young then. Now I think back and wonder...endearing? My neurosis I find...empowering. defining. unapologetic. confident. enduring. And in some incredibly odd way...comforting.

Well, it's time for lullabies and good night kisses and the reassuring hugs and those enjoyable moments of parenthood when you know that all is forgiven and most is forgotten and tomorrow is a new day (as Anne Shirley used to say, "...with no mistakes in it.")