I didn't make the title up. I stole it from my children.
Child #1: "Mom, I don't think I'm cool."
It's okay, dear. Your parents aren't cool. Everything is working against you. Go to sleep and try not to solve any math problems. As a matter of fact, don't even count sheep. It will make you seem too smart. Just call out, "Yo' sheep! Better getch yo' sheep butt over that fence and don't think I'm counting you cuz you sheep and you're dirty (except say 'your' because everyone does that and even though it's incorrect it will help you fit in).
Child #2: "I'm not wearing underwear! I'm not wearing underwear!"
Aren't there any in your drawer? Are there any in the clean clothes basket? Well, apparently your dad didn't do laundry. Find something to put on because you're not allowed to go to bed without undies. It's frowned upon. Unsanitary. I'm pretty sure the mom police will come and lock me up if they find out you are just flaunting your nudity.
Happy Mother's Day to me.
I grew up in a single parent household. No men. My mother always dreamed of Prince Charming riding up on his white horse. I don't know if it was her wanting and never receiving that made me so cynical about the concept of a woman needing a man to come to the rescue or just the ridiculous image of Richard Gere hanging out of a limo holding an umbrella for the prostitute he's only known for a week...regardless, I am not romantic. But I never in a MILLION years pictured myself as the mother of boys.
The men in my life have said the following to me in the last week:
"If you didn't dress so frumpy you could pull off sexy."
"You were very wiry tonight."
No wonder I am so cynical. I'm getting better with the lewd humor and the silliness. Sometimes there's a comment or two that sneaks in that makes me smile...
"Why do girls take so long to get ready?"
"We want to look pretty."
"Haven't any of you read 1 Samuel...Man looks at the outward appearance, God looks at the heart."
I love you, dear son, but my heart needs some lip gloss.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll make it through this...
Can a girl who does not allow the words b**ger or f**t raise boys? I mean, this is PA, we bleed black and gold for crying out loud!
There are days when I look to the heavens and say a silent prayer for their future wives. I try, I really do, but they are all boy. They don't care how you feel, what you're wearing or whether or not you just got your nails done. They don't sit quietly in church and they don't chew with their mouths closed. They don't like to cuddle and they always keep score for a game (even if you don't know you are playing one). And they NEVER, EVER put the seat down...
But... they do hold the door open every time I walk through and they thank me for dinner even when they hate it and they ask me for extra hugs and kisses at night (although I know not to even think of hugging/kissing them in public) and they wash their hands before they eat and they thank God for me at night when they pray.
Happy Mother's Day to me. I really am truly blessed.
Now if I could just make it upstairs to bed without stepping on a Lego/Nerf gun/Bakugan/stylus, I'll be okay. Because if I fall over and am laying on the floor screaming in pain, you can bet money my boys will not come to my rescue. And later when I ask if they heard me crying they will say, "Oh, I didn't know if you were kidding or not and I only needed to beat one more level."
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